THEOSISEphraem the Syrian
Two distressing memories, filled with fear and horror, constantly occupy my mind and instill awe within me. These unsettling thoughts shake and torment me, causing my limbs to tremble and my eyes to overflow with tears. The very thought of them makes my soul quiver, and despite how painful it is to dwell on them, I find myself unable to escape their grasp. Ultimately, they bring either joy or sorrow to all. Upon their appearance in my consciousness, I am overtaken by dread and trembling. Listen, dear brethren, to the two matters that fill me with such trepidation and lead you to tremble as well, for they are frightful truths for everyone. These are the weight of sins I have accumulated and the justice that demands recompense. I have expressed before that these two burdens increasingly occupy and terrify me. The immense ledger of my transgressions and the Last Judgment of righteousness are ever before me, shaking me to my core. I reflect on the wrongs I have willingly committed and the consequences that lie ahead, which cause my body to tremble as fear grips my heart. I am painfully aware of the heavy load of my sins and the terror of their vindication, leaving me in a state of dread. Recognizing my guilt and the repercussions that await, I feel an inward turmoil that manifests as sorrow and fear. Indeed, these remnants of memory persist, making me quiver and filling me with dread. They inundate my heart with profound sadness, arising from my conscience that recalls my wrongdoings, bringing forth a vivid portrayal of my evil acts, leaving me trembling.
I remember the sins of my youth and the concealed vices that fester within me; tears fall from my eyes, and my interior is overtaken by sorrow, fear, and horror. Daily, I find my mind racing back to the transgressions of my youth, acutely aware that nothing I have done in this world escapes my own sight. I recall those actions of my younger days, coupled with an awareness of justice, which compels me to label myself as wicked. In my thoughts, I confront all my impurities and the looming Last Judgment that awaits me, leading my spirit to sigh in distress. Where, then, can I turn? The seeds I have sown haunt me relentlessly as I contemplate what I will ultimately reap. The day of judgment fills me with dread and trembling; the thought of that moment when all will be summoned for judgment brings me deep torment, compelling my knees to quiver. Where shall I find refuge then?
I think of the hour when the Bridegroom comes to the wedding feast to greet the invited guests, and tears spill from my eyes. I envision the time when those clothed in defilements will be cast into the darkness, eliciting within me a cry of self-reproach. I envision that on that day, my deeds will be laid bare, and I shall stand ashamed before the onlookers, as deep sighs constrict my spirit. I ponder my hidden acts and recognize their disgraceful nature, knowing they will be unveiled, which torments my being. I gaze upon the robe of glory I received at Baptism and see how I have sullied it with my sins, filling my innermost self with trembling. I reflect on the glorious beauty with which the Good One adorned me at creation and realize how I have marred it through sin, clenching my teeth and feeling my jaws tremble. I contemplate the glory the righteous will inherit in eternity, the dreadful fire awaiting the unrepentant which causes my heart to quiver with fear. I can see the horror that shall befall sinners, overwhelming me with fear and trepidation, freezing my very essence in terror. My conscience continually reminds me of all these things, presenting my transgressions in stark relief, making my daily existence bitter. As I consider my secret sins, I cry out, “Woe is me!” I lament the fate of those who never saw the light of this world, ‘It is better to be laid to rest in innocence than to face the light while laden with sin.’ For those who engage in iniquity will encounter darkness at the end.
What shall I do, my beloved? I find myself in anguish on all sides: here, I suffer anxiety from my sins, and there, I shall endure punishment. In my youthful days, I thought, ‘In old age, I will cease from sinning,’ and believed that as my body would cool with age, the storm of sin would diminish. Yet now I see that even in my later years, the will to sin remains unyielding. Though my flesh has deteriorated, my desire persists. My youth was marked by carelessness, and my old age continues in the same vein, so judgment awaits me at the end. My youthful days were burdened with sin, and now, in old age, I find myself equally encumbered. I spent the time of my youth serving sin, and now I have aged yet walk the same path of sin. It's perplexing, my beloved, for although my flesh grows cold, my desire remains fierce. The flesh may decay with age, but the will remains strong. The hair upon my head turns white, yet my heart bears darkness; the flesh may weaken, but sinful thoughts are ever-renewed. The whiter my hair becomes, the darker my heart is from sin. The frailer my body grows, the more vigorous the desire to commit unrighteous acts becomes. What my will was in my youth persists in my old age. Both youth and old age have been squandered in negligence. Old age leads inevitably to death, which in turn ushers in resurrection and the punishing Last Judgment. If my existence in this filled-with-evil world ends in such a manner, it would have been better had I never been born, for it is the source of my despair. What was the purpose of my entering this world, to witness its evil and carry its burdens? Job, having endured the hardships of life, envied those who had been cloaked in the earth, longing to share their peace and be shielded from the wickedness of the world (Job 3:16). What benefit have I gained by entering this corrupted realm, rife with adversaries and ceaseless temptations? Yet, the Scriptures proclaim judgment and recompense. Carnal desires drive me toward sin, and the Scriptures fill me with dread. What shall I do, beloved, when trapped between fear and lust? There is no escape from the Last Judgment, and with it comes a recompense of calamity. How can I hide from it?
I dwell on these thoughts, brethren, and find myself gripped by terror and trembling, tormented by suffering and sickness, with sorrow making my existence unbearable. Every passing moment serves as a reminder of my inner impurities, inciting a thousand bitter groans from my heart. I gaze towards the day of my death, when my sinful deeds will cease, but all I can see is a coffin shrouded in darkness, and I tremble at the thought of death. I long to depart from this world and, through death, rid myself of these sins, yet as soon as I contemplate my mortality, my knees shake with fright. I am distressed by both the thought of living and the inevitability of death. Sin beckons me toward ruin, and I only deepen my guilt. To die means taking my sins to the grave with me. Will I rise on the last day? I fear I will go straight to Gehenna. When I meditate on these realities, I prefer the coffin over all else, for there, I find more peace than in this world or in Gehenna. My sorrow is immense, dear brethren, both in this life and in the life to come. Here, I face sins and temptations, and there lies the torment of Gehenna. Here, I am overwhelmed by temptations while the evil one cloaks me in filth, and there, I will bear the weight of my misdeeds from this world. On the day of judgment, every soul will tremble with fear, for on that day, all shall be laid bare, save for the perfect ones. Those lacking in perfect virtue will be reproached by their conscience, questioning why they do not measure up to the righteous. All people, regardless of rank, who have not attained holiness will mourn their failures to match those who have reached perfection. Those of us like myself will not only lament missing the kingdom but will cry out in anguish for deliverance from the flames. For the sorrow of the one deprived of the blessings of the kingdom differs from the sorrow of the one enduring torment. If those who fall short of perfection will be crushed there, what shall be our fate in that day who must suffer in the fire? How cruel will that flame be, of which the Scriptures speak, as I judge its pain by the fires in this world? The torment of this life is nothing in comparison to the unimaginable suffering in the afterlife. I am firm in my belief that the pain of this world is lighter than that which awaits; everyone must acknowledge this as undeniable truth.
While fire in this world gives both light and flame, the fires of the next devour and present a terrible darkness and night. Localized flames consume until their fuel is exhausted, after which they extinguish. Yet the fire of the afterlife does not destroy its fuel; it is commanded only to punish and torment eternally. This world’s fire, while burning, radiates light; but the other burns and produces only profound darkness and gnashing of teeth, consuming, devouring, desolating, trampling through an abyss without light, enduring without fail, since it is eternal. I bring these unsettling thoughts to my remembrance and sigh deeply, knowing that for my hidden transgressions, one fire awaits me. This dreadful judgment constantly occupies my mind, and I label my life as miserable because of the profound suffering prepared for me! I envision the disgrace awaiting me, for my secrets will be uncovered before all of creation. Whoever beholds me will be astonished at my humbling. They will not perceive me as the person they knew, as here they assumed that my outward appearance matched my inward state. But there, they shall witness the darkness that was concealed within me, and they will marvel at the putrid filth hiding within. Like thorns, my wrongful deeds—sown here—will present themselves there, revealing my secrets for all to see. In the brilliance of daylight, my concealed wickedness will come to light. Every fault that I have masked from myself will become evident, and on the day of judgment, all nations will behold them as if in bright sunlight. Each sin will be laid bare before me; no offense, great or small, will escape remembrance. All my failings and wrongdoings will be chronicled and recalled, for everything I do is inscribed in the Book of Life. The weight of my sins terrifies me and leaves me trembling, and I weep endlessly, dear brethren. For what stands before me in this life? My conscience bears witness that I have acted righteously in nothing. This shall be my reward on judgment day, for I have accrued a meager treasure. Alas for me, when all these things confront me on that final day—fire, darkness, torment, and shame before all! Woe is me when the Bridegroom looks with anger at those who lie down! Where shall I take refuge at that moment? Where shall I hide? Woe is me when He commands His servants to bind me hand and foot and banish me from the feast when they perceive my garments are soiled! Woe is me when they disassociate me from the sheep on His right and assign me with the goats, casting me out! Woe is me when I witness the saints inherit bliss while I find only flames awaiting me! Where can I seek refuge in that hour? Woe is me when I stand far off in shame and trembling, afraid to lift my eyes to the Judge! Woe is me when the Bridegroom disavows me! He will say He does not recognize me, locking the doors before me and casting me into Gehenna! Woe is me when, in my sight, those on the right will claim their inheritance while the kingdom’s gates are shut, ushering each to their portion! Woe is me when irrevocable judgment is pronounced upon me, and the doors of grace close, leaving me outside, sorrowfully shedding tears and grinding my teeth. This, my beloved, is what continually fills me with dread and terror, whenever I reflect upon my hidden sins and my deeds. This sobering remembrance of my transgressions and of the day of reckoning causes my body to tremble and fills my innermost being with fear.