The overwhelming spirit of greed still allowed him some fleeting comfort through self-deception, convincing him that his plans would ultimately benefit him. However, the voice of his conscience persistently grew louder, manifesting as an unbearable anxiety.
Judas was present during all the trials and mockeries faced by Christ; he witnessed the mocking shouts from the crowd, the painful sounds of scourging, and the frenzied cries of "Crucify Him, crucify Him!" Despite this, it is evident he did not partake in the frenzy; rather, he felt as if every lash fell upon him, and each anguished breath echoed upon his own pallid cheeks. The cries of "Crucify Him, crucify Him" seemed directed squarely at Judas Iscariot himself. He was overwhelmed with the thought that these horrors were meant for him instead of the one being condemned, whose gentle gaze filled him with greater fear than anything Satan could unleash. Memories of the past three and a half years flooded Judas's mind.
Having been born with an inclination towards evil, he belonged to that unfortunate group of individuals who, amidst their humble lives, carry their burdens with a quiet grumbling, ever ready to seize opportunities to escape their plight and attain wealth and status, even at a great moral cost. By mere chance, he encountered a remarkable Teacher. A secret thought whispered to him: Is He not the Messiah? Was He not the awaited King who would emerge at the appointed time to liberate the Jews from their subjugation, to conquer the world for their sake, gather the riches of the earth, and bestow upon every Jew a life of opulence and abundance? If this were true, then aligning himself with such a Master would surely bring him great rewards, and Judas, drawn to the company of Christ, prioritized earthly benefits above all.
Jesus, of course, perceived Judas's treacherous and self-serving nature. However, permitting him to join the apostles reflected divine grace intended to bring evil into proximity with pure goodness, allowing free will to triumph over the darkness within. Unfortunately, Judas's wicked will failed to yield to the allure of the Source of all goodness. He yearned for power, riches, and pleasure, while the divine Teacher taught about God's kindness. Christ preached humility, poverty, and suffering. Although Judas sensed the profound holiness and goodness of his divine Master, he saw a disconnection between this message and the grandeur expected of the Messiah. If the Messiah’s mission aligned with the teachings of the Prophet from Nazareth, he feared his aspirations for material gain would be irrevocably dashed, resulting in the loss of even the modest successes he had attained, while threatening him with impending persecution and disgrace.
Wickedly, he reasoned it would be better to seize the moment, and he began to quench his avarice by pilfering from the apostles’ community. However, this quickly proved insufficient, as their communal resources were scant and frequently depleted. Thus, he plotted a more substantial scheme, noting the disdain the Jewish leaders held for the Prophet who threatened their hypocrisy. He rashly resolved to betray his Master while the opportunity remained. His mind struggled with the gravity of such an act; nonetheless, like many malevolent individuals, he crafted justifications for his intentions. Weighing the voice of greed against his conscience, he rationalized that his actions might compel Jesus to abandon His call to humility and self-denial, revealing His true Messianic glory before the leaders, thus attracting the people. In this way, he believed he would be doing a service to his too-kind Master and earn himself a place in the Messianic kingdom. Conversely, if the Master perished, so be it, as his betrayal would yield him thirty pieces of silver—a sum sufficient to secure a plot of land, with the potential for further gain in silence. Such twists of dark reasoning blinded him, sustaining his eagerness until he committed the atrocious act.
However, in an instant, everything changed; the weight of his crime illuminated his soul, uncovering the hollowness of his arguments. Overwhelmed by guilt, Judas pursued the unfolding events with anxious trepidation, desperately hoping for a miraculous intervention from the Suffering One that would disrupt the very foundations of hell. But these were the desperate fantasies of a man wracked by guilt for his own wrongdoing. As the moment culminated and Pilate declared the tragic sentence, it felt as though hell's gates had swung wide open, reflecting the turmoil within the traitor's heart. Unable to endure the reality of his actions, he rushed to the temple, clutching his sordid reward, which had cost him his noble place among the apostles. In returning the betrayal money, he could no longer hear the pleasant sounds of clinking coins, but instead was overwhelmed by the ominous hissing of venomous serpents.
THEOSIS