As long as children are obedient in everything, parents are peaceful toward them and are at ease concerning them. But as soon as disobedience begins to appear, parental eyes no longer look lovingly on the children, and their heart is not peaceful toward them. This will not be slow to reflect itself in the children’s heart, and discord has begun.
Likewise, while parents lead children in a spirit of love, children rest upon their love. Whatever parents command or forbid is accepted for fulfillment with warm readiness, because the children are convinced that parental directions are given solely for their good.
While this conviction remains in force, neither rebukes, nor measures of correction, nor anything else shakes their warm devotion to their parents. But as soon as children see that parents command and forbid only to display their authority, this immediately plants in them an unpleasant feeling. It grieves and irritates them, even if what is forbidden or commanded does not directly harm their own welfare.
As a result, the peaceful, heartfelt relation of children toward their parents is disrupted, and a partition is raised between them. It becomes burdensome for children to live under their parents, and they lose heart. Then there is no family peace.
The Apostle prevents this by prescribing continual obedience to children and non-provocation of children to parents. To each of these commandments he also adds special motives.
To keep children in complete and constant obedience, he sets forth as a motive that this is pleasing to the Lord. The children are supposed to be living in the fear of God and zealous above all to please the Lord, as befits children of Christian parents.
The Apostle is certain that pleasing the Lord is dearer to them than any natural motives. Obedience founded on natural feeling is not as firm as obedience founded on the desire to please the Lord. In the first case, if some contrary feeling arises, also founded on nature, obedience already loses its basis.
Such a contrary feeling may be irritation from the feeling of self-preservation and zeal for one’s own welfare. But in the second case, whatever may enter, obedience never loses its basis, for it is founded on what is above nature.
Chrysostom says: “See how he wants us to do everything not according to nature alone, but beyond this according to the will of God, that we may receive a reward from God.” Whoever obeys parents out of pleasing the Lord will not be turned away from this obedience by even the most wrongful manner of action by parents toward him. For in obeying, he does not try to please them, but the Lord.
From this it follows of itself that only one thing can place such a person under the necessity of disobeying: when parents require something displeasing to the Lord. Blessed Theophylact writes: “Addressing children of pious parents, that is, those who believe in the Lord, the Apostle said, ‘in all things.’ For one must not obey impious fathers, who do not believe in the Lord, in all things. One must not listen to them when they begin to drag us by force into their impiety.”
Turning to parents, the Apostle “did not say, ‘Love your children,’ for this would have been a superfluous word. Nature itself draws one to this” (Chrysostom). The word of God places parental love so highly that everywhere it explains God’s love for us by it.
“Nowhere does it offer the example of husband and wife to explain this love. What then? Hear what the Prophet says: ‘As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him’ (Ps 102:13). See again what Christ the Lord says: ‘What man is there among you, of whom if his son asks bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?’ (Mt 7:9-10)” (Chrysostom).
Therefore, when he commands, “Do not provoke,” he does not suppose an absence of love. Rather he removes imprudent action toward children, even when there is love and even because of love itself. He is saying, as it were: beware lest by your manner of acting toward children you arouse in them unpleasant feelings toward you, which can distance their hearts from you.
Or: by your manner of acting, do not put children in a state where they enter into dispute, contradiction, and even disobedience with you. “Do not make them contentious. There are cases in which you must yield to them” (Chrysostom). “Do not pursue with bitterness everything they do. Some things must be passed over without attention, lest you make them contradicting” (Blessed Theophylact).
And not only this, but also “to do what is fitting in order to please them” (Blessed Theodoret). He does not advise indulgence, but prudent condescension, which tempers necessary strictness but does not remove it.
To dispose parents toward this manner of action, the Apostle sets forth this motive: “lest they become discouraged,” ινα μη αθυμωσιν, that children may not fall in spirit or go about with hanging heads. “What is especially sensitive for fathers, this he sets forth. By this he awakens parental feeling and softens their heart” (Chrysostom).
“See what wisdom! How he bends the heart of parents and draws their inward affection! For all the care of fathers is that their children not become discouraged” (Blessed Theophylact).
He protected children from disobedience by the fear of God and by their zeal to please the Lord. But “to parents he gives the commandment in a friendly way, without reminding them of God” (Chrysostom). Why is this so? Because even when they see that they provoke their children, they may think they are not going against the will of God.
But when they see that their children are discouraged and go about with hanging heads, they cannot fail to be moved in their parental heart to examine the matter more strictly. Having considered their manner of action, they can then order it so that their children cease to be discouraged.
THEOSIS